Closure

So i have not been on my blog in about 3 weeks. the reason being my dad had a heart attack. now i know people have heart attacks all the time, and there are all different kind of degrees of seriousness. but i actually think my life would end if my dad passed away on me. my dad is the most important person in my life. he will forever be the most important person in my life. i almost want to say he is my best friend. hes the one person who i can count on that will be there for me. he never disappoints me, which is a nice thing to be able to say since there are quit a few people in my life right now who are constantly letting me down. anyways my dad having a heart attack scared me, and i dont want that feeling again.

Watching my dad go thru his heart attack has changed my think and my familys way of thinking. i think we all are aware more that we need to take care of ourselves because u never know what is going to happen. having said that almost losingmy dad has made me realize im not happy with my life. i feel like i have been just coasting along with no goals. i want to change that.

Since i broke up with chris, ive just been waiting for things to get better, however imnot doing anything to make them better. at first i couldnt do anything going thru my break-up was the hardest thing ive had to deal with. its funny because people dont understand why i dont hate chris. its true i hate the things he did to me, but im thankful for all the good we did have. and i couldnt hold on to all that anger i had for him, it was too hard and having all that hate inside me makes me fell bad all the time and i dont want that. now what chris did to me not right but i forgive him, and i want to let him know that i will never let him do that to me again. im definately ready to move on from him. i think what i miss is that he was my best friend, i miss that closeness we had as friends.

Now brandon was another friend of mine who has constantly disappointed me in my time of need. brandon is selfish. and i find it kinda funny cause chris was also completely selfish. and im asking my self lately why i fell for these two guys that will never ever put me first. i loved brandon with all my heart, and i dont know how, when he never felt the same about me. now if i were to ask bran if he loves me he would say he does. but ask him to prove it...... and nothing happens. to me saying i love you are just words from a dictioanry, they dont mean anything until u put them to action. i actually want to spend the rest of my life with brandon, and think we could have a great life together, but he doesnt feel the same about me, and im mad at myself again for loving someone who doesnt care as much about me as i do them. it has been driving me cray because all i have been think and hoping and wishing is that one day brandon would change his mind about me and finally say yes amanda you are the one i want. well its been 8 or 9 years i have been wanting that to happen, and i finally have accepted its not going to happen.

So im clearly rambling on here but there is a reason i swear. i have decided to ramble on here for closure. i need to close the book on christopher. i need to close the book on brandon. its time for me to move on. i want a healthy relationship. i want someone in my life who i wont have to hope they care about me or hope one day they will do something special for me. i want someone who wont cheat or lie. i want someone to not have to think about how to fit me in their life, i want someone to say amanda your the best and i coudlnt possibly be with out you and i will do everything in my power to never lose you.

I will be friends with chris and brandon but the love is over. my heart no longer belongs to either of them. its sad to say this, but i have to i need to move my life forward. i dont like where i am now in my life, and i cant keep feeling sorry for myself. i need to change it. so i am. bye chris and brandon.

ok it super late and i just told myself i was turning over a new leaf and trying to work hard and make real progress at work, which is a whole other issue i need to vent about, but i was suppose to go to bed early and get up early to have a good start to my morning. oh well.